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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26373001">The Boy With No Soul</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/tw_leona'>tw_leona (orphan_account)</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Haikyuu!!</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Depressed Oikawa Tooru, Depression, M/M, References to Depression</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-09-09</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-01-05</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 07:35:24</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Not Rated</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>10</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>11,205</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26373001</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/tw_leona</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Emptiness. As if he was falling within himself. Berating himself. Hating himself. Did that even make sense ?</p><p>Oikawa Tooru was a nobody. </p><p>(AU where Oikawa never joined the volleyball team, never met Iwaizumi and is just an urban legend serving balls with his cousin in the local gym.)</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Iwaizumi Hajime &amp; Oikawa Tooru, Iwaizumi Hajime/Oikawa Tooru</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>91</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>240</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. the boy that doesn't exist</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>I can't breathe. My heart, it hurts...it hurts so much...</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Make it stop. Please.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>W-why...me ?</em>
</p><hr/><p>“-and all those who fail,” the teacher smiled sourly. “Will have remedial lessons for two weeks straight.”</p><p>And that was all it took to reduce one Hanamaki Takahiro to tears.</p><p>“On the bright side,” Matsukawa nudged him like an overfriendly cat, “This is a group project, and we got Iwaizumi. We can’t fail right ?”</p><p>Iwaizumi crossed his arms. “I told you that literature is my worst subject. Don't expect to use me as a safety net.”</p><p>A girl giggled behind them. “Let’s get <em>Tooru</em> to group with us. He’ll do everything !”</p><p>Iwaizumi frowned as if he thought the girl was wrong.</p><p>The sky cleared and a ray of light made its way to Hanamaki’s heart. Tooru. Oikawa Tooru. The <em> salutatorian </em>. If they could form a group with him...</p><p>“Oikawa ! My favourite classmate, how are you doing ?” Hanamaki grinned but stopped.</p><p>Oikawa Tooru's eyes were filled with despair. Pure and utter despair like the eyes of a dying man.</p><p>“I’m sorry but this is all I have, Hanamaki-san.” Oikawa set down a one thousand yen bill meekly. He then turned and ran out of the classroom.</p><p>“What was that…?” Hanamaki studied the bill. “Is this for me ?”</p><p>Behind him, Matsukawa dropped his conversation with Iwaizumi and walked up. “Dude I think your face just scared that ‘Oikawa’ fellow off.”</p><p>“Dude no way, I am easily the hottest guy in this room.”</p><p>Iwaizumi sighed. “No, the hottest guy in this room just ran off. Don’t you remember ?”</p><p>Hanamaki fiddled with his imaginary mustache. “You mean Oikawa ? He is more of the painfully pretty type while I, Hanamaki Takahiro is <em>devilishly</em> handsome.” He struck a pose. </p><p>"Uh-huh."</p><p>“Maybe you brought up some bad memories for him. Perfect looks, perfect grades, perfect everything. Yet he is the most bullied kid in Seijoh. ” Matsukawa mused. </p><p>“Not only Seijoh, Kitagawa Daiichi too.” Iwaizumi supplied helpfully as he slipped the money back into Oikawa’s desk drawer. This Oikawa had a lot of alien themed stationary, they noted. Iwaizumi’s lips quirked upwards.</p><p>"Do you know him ?" Matsukawa raised an eyebrow.</p><p>“Yeah…” Iwaizumi looked at the direction where Oikawa had ran off.  “Been seeing him around my neighbourhood since I was three, went to the same middle school too. We just never talked to each other before.”</p><p>Hanamaki hummed thoughtfully.</p><hr/><p>Oikawa walked back home alone. His shadow stretched long behind him, and the sinking sun dragged his mood down with it.</p><p><em>Hanamaki Takahiro</em>. Oikawa recalled. The name of the pink haired boy who approached him this afternoon. His eyes stung.</p><p>What did Oikawa do to offend him. Why did he approach him? He already gave so much of his lunch money to different people, he couldn’t afford another bully...his family couldn't afford to feed another bully because of Oikawa.</p><p>Something bitter and unpleasant rose up in Oikawa’s chest. Why was he like this, why couldn’t he just be normal…dammit. He squeezed his eyes shut, white spots dancing around as he clutched his head.</p><p>“Tooru !”</p><p>His younger cousin beamed at him. And Oikawa wiped away his tears hastily.</p><p>“T...Takeru ?” </p><p>“Teach me how to serve ! Teach Kyoutani-nii how to do the <em> killer </em> serve too !”</p><p>Takeru had his arm linked around an older boy, who looked way too angry for his age.</p><p>“Who’s your friend ?”</p><p>Oikawa smiled a bit at his nephew’s companion. At least his nephew wasn't like him.</p><p>“Kyoutani Kentarou.” The boy muttered.</p><p>“Alright, but can we go to the park instead ? I’m too tired to go to the city gym.”</p><p>Takeru nodded, while Kyoutani remained silent. Oikawa was wearing the Aoba Johsai’s uniform, but Kyoutani had never seen him at the volleyball team before, was this guy with fluffy hair really as good as that midget Takeru said ? If he was...</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>
  <strong><em> Then just who is Oikawa Tooru ? </em> </strong>
</p><p> </p><p>Kyoutani Kentarou thought as he trailed behind Takeru.</p><p> </p><p>Iwaizumi Hajime wondered out loud as Irihata demanded the presence of his class salutatorian. </p><p> </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Smitten</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em> For some reason, something unlike his usual numbness burned inside of him.  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Something. Twisted and ugly.  </em>
</p><hr/><p> </p><p>
  <span class="u"> Chapter two - Smitten </span>
</p><p>The next day, Kyoutani let Takeru drag him to Oikawa. Takeru looked secretly delighted. Kiyoshi had smiled when Kyoutani told him. </p><p>
  <em> (A.N Kiyoshi - the middle-aged man who told Kyoutani to trust his team.) </em>
</p><p> </p><p>“He had quite the reputation among town teams. Oikawa Tooru, the high school setter with soulless eyes.”</p><p>“But isn’t a setter all about coordinating with his spikers ?” </p><p>“I never said he couldn’t do that.”</p><p> </p><p>Kyoutani felt like he was watching some sort of big astronomical event. Like a black hole devouring a lively planet layer after layer.</p><p>As swift as a racing meteor, as strong as the gravitational pull of Jupiter. Unstoppable like the forces of nature themselves. It was complex but at the same fascinating, brilliant yet so <em>far</em> away.</p><p>“Tsukishima-san !” Oikawa shouted, sending a toss. And Kyoutani huffed. He wanted to hit that toss. He could do better than that Tsukishima Akiteru anyways. He smirked when Tsukishima’s spike went out.</p><p>Takeru blew into his little plastic whistle and Tsukishima cried dramatically.</p><p>“Alright, Oikawa. It is getting late. As a responsible adult I am expected to get you home so that you can get eight hours of sleep.” Shimada clapped his hands firmly.</p><p>Oikawa nodded. Though his mouths did form a small pout. But he was not going to protest, he <em>liked</em> Shimada afterall, he didn’t<em> want</em> to disappoint him...he didn’t want to..</p><p>
  <em> <strike> Selfish. How selfish. </strike> </em>
</p><p>So he bowed respectfully and took off his volleyball shoes. Walking off the court with stiffness arched into his shoulders.</p><p>Ukai Keishin watched. Oikawa was too quiet, too obedient for a high schooler. He had skills to boast about, heck even Shimada had laughed mockingly and did that <em> anime glasses ‘shiny shiny’ thing </em> when he scored a service ace. But Oikawa…</p><p>“I know what you’re thinking, but he had always been like that.” Shimada said in a low voice. Takinoue nodded in agreement.</p><p>"Doesn't make it any less hard to watch."</p><hr/><p>Someone stepped into the gymnasium as Oikawa walked out.</p><p>“-ack.” Oikawa rubbed his forehead tenderly as he bumped into a hard chest. “I’m sorry..I..”</p><p>“U-Ushijima ?” Oikawa’s cracked.</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>
  <em>He was scared of losing. So so scared. Because if he ended up losing, he might just-</em>
</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>“Come to Shiratorizawa,” Ushijima said. “Washijo is more than willing to give you a scholarship.”</p><p>Oikawa trembled. </p><p>“Go away.” Kyoutani growled. He had always hated those snobs from Shiratorizawa.</p><p>“You don’t have to limit yourself to town teams and Aoba Johsai, Shiratorizawa won’t lose.” Ushijima stepped forward. Completely disregarding Kyoutani.</p><p>“...How can you say that ?...Itachiyama, Fukurodani, Inarizaki...one day...you’ll lose…” Oikawa’s voice was soft. Feathery soft.</p><p>“We <em>won’t</em> lose.” Ushijima grabbed Oikawa’s shoulder. Shimada inhaled sharply. </p><p>“I didn’t mean to offend you.” Oikawa’s eyes were panicked now.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Shimada was looking concerned, too concerned. Would Ushijima start a fight with the town team ? Would he win ? Would Shimada be charged for assault ? Ushijima was a high schooler so the charges would be in his favour...and then...and then...Shimada would hate him...and… </em>
</p><p>_____</p><p>
  <b> <em>‘-huh so you're sticking with your sister ?!’</em> </b>
</p><p>
  <b> <em>" She is your daughter !"</em> </b>
</p><p>
  <b> <em>_____</em> </b>
</p><p> </p><p> </p><p></p><blockquote>
  <p>A hand slammed him into the wall. He was back in Kitagawa Daiichi.</p>
  <p>‘So your <em> onii-chan </em> just got knocked up eh ?’ A voice laughed.</p>
  <p>Oikawa had never heard an uglier sound in his life. Another voice joined in.</p>
  <p>“Your family is so full of <span class="u"><strike><em>whores</em></strike></span>, Oikawa-<em>kun </em>.”</p>
  <p>A hand wrapped around his throat.</p>
  <p>
    <br/>
    <br/>
  </p>
</blockquote><p>_______</p><p>Oikawa’s eyes were red.</p><p>“Kyoutani-nii, up !” Takeru ordered. Kyoutani paused. </p><p>“...?”</p><p>“Up ! UP !”</p><p>Takeru climbed onto Kyoutani like a tree, “Up !”</p><p>Kyoutani lifted Takeru onto his shoulders. And Takeru grabbed two fistfuls of the blond’s hair, effectively making a steering wheel.</p><p>“What’s with this sassy, lost child.” Ushijima blinked.</p><p> Oikawa gaped. “Takeru you can’t just..”</p><p>Takeru stared at Ushijima on eye level. “I will make you do my homework if you make Tooru cry.”</p><p>“...pardon ?”</p><p>“Tooru cried when he did my homework. He said it was hard.”</p><p>“<em> Pardon </em> ?” Ushijima looked amused. Or as amused as he could ever be.</p><p>Oikawa remembered the homework. Write a thank you letter to your parents. He had snatched it away and did it before Takeru could even catch a glimpse.</p><p>“I’ve arranged a practice match with Aoba Johsai. Hopefully, you’ll see reason when I defeat your team.”</p><p>‘<em> But I’m not even on it </em>.’ Oikawa wanted to shout, but his voice failed him.</p><p> </p><p>“Though I am curious, what homework could make you cry ?” Ushijima asked as he finally let go of Oikawa.</p><p>Oikawa's blood froze. Takeru and Kyoutani looked at him expectantly. His heart dropped.</p><p>Standing on tiptoes, he whispered curtly into Ushijima’s ear. “A thank you letter for undeserving parents.”</p><p> </p><p>
  <strike> Ushijima’s eyes widened. And for a second, Oikawa thought he saw understanding in his eyes, he must’ve imagined it.</strike>
</p><hr/><p>
  <em>Dying sounded painful. Who knew what would happen after you die ? Would the afterlife be worse ?</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Some say that if you commit suicide, you would end up in hell. Doomed to eternal suffering.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>He never asked to be born. So why ?</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Tears were shed but he laid down the blade.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Why must he exist ?</em>
</p><hr/><p>There was something about Oikawa.</p><p>Something weird. He would walk into the school, with messy hair yet perfectly ironed uniform. Some say, if you stare long enough, his hair would look artistically tousled.</p><p>But that could not explain the infatuation the photography club, literature club and the art club all had on him.</p><p>If Iwaizumi had to explain, it would be the sad effect of Oikawa. Sure, the brunette had never recited heartbreaking poems or sulk like his girlfriend broke up with him.</p><p>But there was something, about the way he would look out of windows, as if he was seeing something others could not. The way he would talk softly, but clearly. His tone almost melodious, like a sad tune. The way his pale skin looked under the dim lighting of classrooms and all of those tiny details that made a person's heart ache.</p><p>'<em>Painfully pretty</em>.' That was what Hanamaki had said. And Iwaizumi agreed. He could understand why Oikawa was bullied. Because if his heart was going to shatter as much as he laid eyes on him, he would want to do something too. </p><p>"Ask him to be our setter !" Matsukawa cheered behind him.</p><p>"Seduce him with your arms Iwaizumi !"</p><p>And for some reason, the very people who bullied Oikawa twitched. </p><p>This was Oikawa Tooru. Even if he didn't know it, he had everyone smitten. By jealousy, by longing.</p><p>"I wasn't aware that everyone in this class wanted Oikawa to be their setter too..." Matsukawa grumbled as the class monitor sent them back to their seat while peering at Oikawa at the corner of his eye.</p><p>"Irihata is going to kill us."</p><hr/><p>"I'm sorry but we really don't have a player named Oikawa Tooru on our team."</p><p>"That's impossible. We arranged this practice match specifically just to test how strong this setter is."</p><p>Irihata sighed. Oikawa Tooru, he ran the name in his mind. Salutatorian, right ?</p><p>And Saito, damn that man. He was not making this easy for him.</p><p>The gym doors flew open. And suddenly the spectators fell into uneasy silence. It wasn't anything special. Just a person entering the gym. Yet...</p><p>Ushijima looked up, and Tendou blinked at the almost content look on his face.</p><p>"<em>Welcome , Oikawa." </em></p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Black Holes</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Sorry for updating three chapters in two days, do tell me if it gets too annoying ^^</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span class="u"> Chapter three - With Eyes like Black Holes - </span>
</p><p>
  <span class="u">  the Devoured and the Devouring </span>
</p>
<hr/><p>
  <em> “Iwa-chan ! I thought we’re going to look for aliens together !” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “Yeah yeah sorry, I’m at volleyball practice.” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> A grin blinded his face. “Really ? I play volleyball too ! I’ll forgive you just this once then-” </em>
</p><p>Iwaizumi jolted up, did he seriously fell asleep during lessons again ? The third time this week too. He groaned. Well that was a weird dream.</p><p>“Excuse me…?” A pencil poked his arm from behind. Oikawa looked nervously at him.</p><p>“Yes ?”</p><p>“I think the teacher is going to call you out for a question next. Honda-sensei always call students when their class number is aligned with the date.” </p><p>“Well shit.”</p><p>Oikawa nodded as if he fully understood Iwaizumi’s mood. He quietly slid him his notebook, and Iwaizumi marvelled a bit at how detailed they were.</p><p>“Don’t you need it too ?” Iwaizumi whispered, careful to avoid the teacher’s wrath.</p><p>“You’ll need it more, Iwa-c...Iwaizumi-san.”</p>
<hr/><p>“Sorry for the intrusion.’</p><p>Hanamaki watched as Oikawa walked slowly into the gym. In his hands a pair of volleyball shoes.</p><p>“Is...Kyoutani here ?” </p><p>“No, Kyoutani has not attended practice for three weeks already.” Yahaba said. Confused.</p><p>Oikawa averted the questioning glances of many, and merely handed the pair of shoes to Yahaba. “Would it be alright for you to pass this pair of shoes to him ? He left it in the city gym.”</p><p>“O-of course !” Yahaba fumbled a bit. While Oikawa was the most bullied individual in Aoba Johsai, it was still rare for juniors to treat seniors inappropriately. Though this was not the image Yahaba would have for the guy who was crowned ‘most bullied’ for four months straight. Though..’most bullied’ was not the same as ‘most hated’.</p><p>“Thank you,” Oikawa’s tone was lighter now, like a small melody of gratitude. </p><p>And Yahaba stared as the brunette made his way to the exit.</p><p>“Where are you going ?” He heard Ushijima ask.</p><p>“Home.”</p><p>“But is this not your team ?”</p><p>And for the first time, Iwaizumi managed to see someone catch Ushijima off guard.</p><p> <em> “I never said I was on the volleyball team.” </em></p><p>Ushijima bristled.</p><p>_____</p><p> </p><p>The slam of the ball, hitting the ground before the blockers could even blink. </p><p>Iwaizumi gasped for air. His lungs screamed in pain. “Shiratorizawa is even better than the Spring High last year.” He choked out.</p><p>Yahaba nodded in agreement. His face sullen and sweaty. Iwaizumi could only imagine how tough it would be for the first year. </p><p>
  <em> (A.N All characters are younger by one-year, so Mr. Blueberry, Mr.Sleepy and Mr.Turnip is still in the blue school (￣▽￣)ノ. ) </em>
</p><p>Watari gritted his teeth at the thought of receiving another one of Ushijima’s serves. His hands were red, painful and anytime now, in this huge mess, he might just turn his wrist in the wrong direction and have it fractured by that monster of a serve.</p><p>Oikawa watched motionlessly, lingering near the exit. Ushijima really wasn’t pulling his punches today. One could even say...that he was taking his anger out on Seijoh.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> His anger towards Oikawa.  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> He was taking it out on Seijoh. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>Would it be Oikawa’s fault, if the poor first years on Aoba Johsai get traumatized ? He wondered. Afterall...the sense of defeat was something…</p><p>---</p><p>
  <em> For some reason, something unlike his usual numbness burned inside of him.  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Something. Twisted and ugly.  </em>
</p><p>---</p><p>Yahaba, the first year was looking anything but fine now. His blocks were off and his sets were too close to the net. In fact, it was Matsukawa who was setting half the time.</p><p>Oikawa’s heart broke. Yahaba’s face was scrunched up, as he glared at the blocker from Shiratorizawa.</p><p>The libero, Watari Shinji’s eyes held nothing but desperation. </p><p>They looked just like-</p><p>Something burned. Something raged in him. Unexplainable but undeniably powerful.</p>
<hr/><p>Coach Mizoguchi’s voice died in his throat, when a hand picked up a spare neon vest.</p><p>‘This is bullshit !’ Irihata wanted to yell. Who even was this Oikawa ?! Why was Shiratorizawa so delighted ? Why was Iwaizumi so disturbed ? Why ?</p><p>“I…” Oikawa lowered his head as if he was apologising.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p>
<p></p><blockquote><p>They were being used as punching bags because of me.</p><p>But Ushijima...why ?</p><p>Why must you do this ? I deserve my suffering, but why them ?</p><p>The shattered hope in their eyes was something I could never forget.</p><p>How could you be so cruel ?</p><p>This is why I hate volleyball.</p><p>This is why I won’t join Shiratorizawa.Or Seijoh. </p><p>I am not fit to inflict such hopelessness on others.</p><p>But I will not stand by just to see them suffer because of me.</p><p>Two teams, one must lose.</p><p> </p><p>“Nothing good ever comes with you.” A shadow jeered.</p><p>“Such an idiot, <em> Tooru-kun </em>.” </p><p>“Shut up, <em> Kawa-chan </em> ! “</p><p>Their voices, their nicknames were so sickeningly sweet.</p>
<hr/></blockquote><p> </p><p>
  <b>Bam.</b>
</p><p>Right between Reon Ohira and Semi Eita. No Touch Ace.</p><p>“I’m sorry…” Iwaizumi heard a shaky voice behind him.</p><p>For a moment, he almost thought that Oikawa was going to cry again.</p><p>“I don’t deserve to stand on the court.”</p><p> </p><p>Aoba Johsai froze, as Oikawa brushed his bangs slowly out of his eyes. </p><p> </p><p>Black holes. Unsuspecting, invisible, dull. Kyoutani shivered, hiding among seas of spectators.</p><p>A fire had entered his eyes. The event horizon had been triggered. Something must be devoured. </p><p>And for a moment, Oikawa’s mouth tilted upwards. Not a smile. At least not one of happiness.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>“But I will beat you...Ushiwaka-chan.” </em>
</p><p>He tested out the name on his tongue, and prepared for another serve. </p><p>Like a black hole. Of undeniable force. Command the court.</p>
<hr/>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Challengers</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Second set.</p><p>24-25</p><p>Aoba Johsai -Shiratorizawa. Second set.</p><p>Iwaizumi clenched his fist tightly. His nails digging into red, bruised skin. Oikawa was rotating to the back. This was not unexpected, even with Oikawa's sets and serves, it wouldn't be like Shiratorizawa to lose.</p><p>Though...it had felt so perfect in his hands.</p><p>Iwaizumi stole a small glance at the setter's direction. It was a set that was easy to spike but with just the same amount of difficulty so that spikers wouldn't dare to relax during the match.  </p><p>He wondered how much stronger his spikes would be if Oikawa was there to set for him everytime. Not that Yahaba's skills were lacking. He wondered how Yahaba would improve if Oikawa were to mentor him like most upperclassmen do. He wondered what the team could achieve if Oikawa were to be part of them.</p><p>Perhaps, they could actually stand a chance against Shiratorizawa. Iwaizumi thought.</p><p>25-26</p><p>"Come, Oikawa. I will let you taste victory."</p><p>Ushijima's voice was steady. </p><p>"You mean I should just...walk over to your side of the court and set to you ?" Oikawa tilted his head, utterly confused.</p><p>"...it sounds funny now that you put it this way ." Hanamaki heaved but managed a shit-eating grin.</p><p>27-27</p><p>"Stop."</p><p>Tendou blinked. "What do you mean, Wakatoshi ?"</p><p>"Washijo-sensei, we should leave." Ushijima threw the ball to the referees.</p><p>"But we are winning !" Semi waved his hands around wildly. Ushijima nodded. "I know."</p><p>"But..." Ushijima face was devoid of emotion, as always. "I don't want <em>him</em> to lose."</p><p>Semi smacked Tendou as the middle blocker started interrogating the Seijoh players. Demanding 'him' to show his presence. </p><p>Washijo nodded. "We still have one more practice match with Inarizaki tomorrow, you should all rest well for today."</p><p> </p><hr/><p>Oikawa stood, his thoughts going on a rampage. Why would Ushiwaka leave ? Was Oikawa so weak that Shiratorizawa didn't even want to bother with him ?</p><p>"A draw." Yahaba choked out. His face flushed despite staying out of the entire second set.</p><p>'I-I'm so sorry,' Oikawa wanted to say. He had trotted his way into the match without asking, took the setter spot away from Yahaba, and didn't even manage to win.</p><p>He couldn't believe that, for a second, he was angry. For a second, he felt confident. Did he seriously thought that he could swoop in like a hero in his favourite alien movies, and with his inference turn the tide of the match ?</p><p>Oikawa wanted to strangle himself. Embarrassment, he thought, as he stumbled out the gym, weary of the gazes locked onto him.</p><hr/><p> </p><p> </p><p></p><blockquote>
  <p>The emptiness felt so natural. Like it had been a part of him since forever. It was a fortress for him to hide in. Take the emptiness away and you would be left with a whirlpool of emotions.</p>
  <p>He grabbed onto the translucent fabric, wrapping it around his knuckles. He couldn't let go. Not now. Not now. </p>
  <p>He jolted up, cold sweat covering his forehead.</p>
  <p>Emptiness...</p>
</blockquote><hr/><p>He walked to school without his scarf. It was barely autumn but it was still cold, Oikawa shivered. The sky was gloomy as reddish leaves painted the grey ground with crimson splatters.</p><p>He sneezed. Rubbing his nose awkwardly while fumbling to open his packet of tissue.</p><p>"Geez Futakuchi, take care of yourself more !" </p><p>Oikawa turned to see a brunette sneezing just as hard as him. But unlike him, a group of people surrounded him. Some were jeering and laughing at him, but some were handing him handkerchiefs. Unlike the taunts Oikawa received, the jeers thrown by the colourful group across him were backed up with a fond undertone.</p><p>Oikawa turned around and paused. It must be nice having so much people caring.</p><p>Someone laid a hand on his shoulders. It was so soft, completely deprived of the malicious intents Oikawa had specially developed a sixth sense for.</p><p>"You're going to catch a cold." Iwaizumi studied him. "Run to school with me."</p><p>Oikawa nearly laughed. "What ?"</p><p>"Run to school with me. It'll make you warmer. Plus, the volleyball team runs around the city every morning. "</p><p>Iwaizumi looked at him with such expectant eyes. </p><p>'You don't blame me ?' Oikawa wanted to ask. But his voice wouldn't work. All he could do was stare blankly.</p><p>"Well come on ! Do you want me to carry you or something ?" Iwaizumi jerked his head towards the wide road, his tone rough, but with the same fond undertone Oikawa had heard just a few moments ago. </p><p>A fluttery feeling expanded in Oikawa's chest. Aside from emptiness, all Oikawa had been feeling was sorrow. He had almost forgotten about...</p><p>
  <em>Happiness</em>
</p><hr/><p> </p><p> </p><p></p><blockquote>
  <p>
    <strike>The demons whom Oikawa had buried long ago fed onto his joy. </strike>
  </p>
  <p>
    <strike>Did you seriously think that you deserve happiness ?</strike>
  </p>
  <p>
    <strike>How long would he stick around ?</strike>
  </p>
  <p>
    <strike>What was his-</strike>
  </p>
  <hr/>
</blockquote><p> </p><p>"I heard that Shiratorizawa played five full sets with Inarizaki." Kyoutani muttered. "Shiratorizawa lost."</p><p>Oikawa's serve went out of bounds.</p><p>"I thought you would be happy if Ushijima lost."</p><p>Oikawa lowered his head. "I don't really care. Inarizaki, Shiratorizawa...I don't have anything to do with them."</p><p>Takeru rushed to imitate the serve.</p><p>Kyoutani huffed. This was exactly why he hated socialising. People are all too complicated.</p><p> </p><p>"Well you better start caring." A new person stepped into the gym. "Afterall, I spent all my lunch money on a taxi just to come see you." </p><p> </p><p>"<em>Shut up</em>, that was my lunch money you obnoxious jerk." A silver-haired boy poked his head into view.</p><p>"You just ruined my dramatic entrance ! " The newcomer wailed but cleared his throat. "You better start caring because my dear brother spent all his lunch money on a taxi just for me to see you."</p><p>"You make us sound like such a caring pair of brothers, Tsumu."</p><p> </p><p>Oikawa blinked as the identical faces of Miya Osamu and Miya Atsumu stared back at him. </p><p> </p><p>"Oikawa Tooru right ?"</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I really wanted Oikawa to meet the people from nationals. I actually think that Aoba Johsai could beat Tsubakihara...</p><p>I'm kind of sad now. Sorry for the crappy chapter, I got scolded by a lot of adults and while I am filled with angst, I can't really convert it into the fic, but I still wanted to update...</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Failure</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span class="u">Chapter Five - Failure</span>
</p><hr/><p><em>"</em>If you keep staring at me like that, I'm going to blush, Ushijima-kun." Miya Atsumu laughed not-so-good naturedly as the team captains shook hands.</p><p>Kita sighed. His gaze disapproving. </p><p>"I apologize for causing any misunderstandings. I am merely thinking about how different you are from the setters I've encountered before, yet somehow you still won." Ushijima replied, with a face as passive as a wall of stone.</p><p>Oh so Ushijima was comparing him to those two losers. "Take a chill pill Atsumu." Runa piped up from behind.  </p><p>Miya's eye twitched. "That second year pinch server and first year setter-"</p><p>"Semi and Shirabu." Ushijima supplied helpfully.</p><p>"-they are not bad," Miya contorted his face like he had swallowed something sour, Osamu rolled his eyes." but 'Shirabu' relies too much on you and 'Semi's' attacks are nice, but they can't serve the ace, which is you no ?"</p><p>Ushijima nodded. "Yes, but they are not the only setters I know."</p><p>Miya gritted his teeth. But kept his lips stretched into a 'friendly smile' "Then who else are you referring to ?"</p><hr/><p>'<em>Why do I even play volleyball."</em></p><hr/><p> </p><p>"-and then that coach, Coach Washijo right ? He practically exploded at his team ! I never thought Ushijima could look scared but maaan...Are you listening ?" </p><p>Oikawa stopped sipping his lemon tea and nodded. "Yes."</p><p>"Ok so but then Shiratorizawa tried to get their cheerleaders to shout back at us but guess what we got trumpets-" Osamu slipped an ice cube into Atsumu's shirt, who nearly dropped his phone. Nearly.</p><p>"Shut up. You're giving everyone a headache." </p><p>Osamu asked the waiter for another cup of ice. Atsumu pouted.</p><p>The three of them were sitting in a cafe. The cafe was nice, it smelled of freshly grinded coffee, and was quite affordable. What ? Did you think that they're going to play volleyball ? Pff...no way was Atsumu going to play against a guy who didn't even make it to nationals. No way.</p><p>"Your hair looks horrible by the way," Atsumu pointed at Oikawa. "It's like...a bird nest or something. But still better than Omi-kun's seaweed hair I guess."</p><p>"Says the one with piss-coloured hair," Osamu snorted.</p><p>Oikawa patted his hair softly. "I never really know how to manage it. Maybe I should pull a page out of that...Watari's book and shave it."</p><p>"...how about no." Osamu deadpanned.</p><p> </p><p>"So when are you going to let me crush you with my sets ?" Atsumu asked. Yes, he was going to crush, not play with this <em>Oikawa Tooru</em>. It would be sooo one-sided that you couldn't even call it a game. "Oikawa-<em>senpai</em>." He smirked.</p><p>Oikawa paused. He fiddled a bit with the metal spoon in his tea. "I don't think I can win."</p><p>Atsumu's eyes gleamed. <em>Oh so that guy knew he was bad.</em> </p><p>"Your raw talent, the skills you were born with, I can't beat that." Oikawa set down his cup tenderly.</p><p>"...Are you saying that I'm a genius ?"</p><p>"You can say that." Oikawa nodded.</p><p>Atsumu's eyebrows furrowed. Perhaps he was petty, but he didn't like what Oikawa said with that sentence. </p><p>"I worked hard you know."</p><p>Oikawa nodded. "Your palms are red."</p><p>"You're probably just lazy," Atsumu shot. " You're probably just lazy. That's why you didn't join a proper volleyball team." His voice turned brittle." That's why you suck. Not that hard work might let you catch up with me. But guess it can't be helped."</p><p>Atsumu did not feel any semblance of joy after his little speech. But he was a young impulsive teenager, he was allowed to be petty. He thought, as Oikawa Tooru continued to sip his tea, serene smile on face as if nothing had happened.</p><hr/><p>"Big sister."</p><p>"Tooru," A woman smiled back at him. And Oikawa couldn't help but marvel at how good she looked, elegance arched into her every move, with eyes the colour of melted chocolate, twinkling at him with an undertone of mischief. She hadn't changed at all.</p><p>"Thank you for taking care of Takeru for me," Her tone was gentle, but her grip was tight as she wrestled Takeru away from Oikawa's grasp. Takeru didn't seem to mind.</p><p>The noise of her new keychain clinking together, now with two instead of one key, resonated in Oikawa's ears.</p><p> </p><p>His sister was so amazing. Oikawa thought. Perfect grades, perfect looks. Even without the support of her parents, even when her husband went missing, she was still so perfect. Oikawa opened the zipper of Takeru's school bag wearily. His hands went slack.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p></p><blockquote>
  <p>Write a thank you letter to your parents no more than 80 words</p>
  <p>Year 2- Class 2- Oikawa Takeru</p>
  <p>Daddy left Mommy and me alone, and then Grandmommy and Granddaddy said that Mommy is stupid. But then Tooru said that Grandmommy is stupid for saying Mommy is stupid. So I want to thank you Tooru for saying that Grandmommy is stupid. And also thank Granddaddy and Mommy for not saying leaving me alone. </p>
  <p> </p>
  <p>
    <em>Teacher's markings: First off, it is grandfather, grandmother, father and mother instead of 'Grandmommy'. Second off, it is a thank you letter to your parents, not to 'Tooru'. Third off, meet me in the school office after homeroom.</em>
  </p>
  <p> </p>
</blockquote><p>"...b-but I thought I did it for him..." The brunette whispered, his fingers going numb. The paper crumbled under his grip.</p><p> </p><p>His phone vibrated softly.  '<em>Hanging out w/ my precious son !</em> '</p><p>The door slammed shut somewhere downstairs. Oikawa heard his parents cursing.</p><p>
  <em>His sister was so amazing. Oikawa thought. Perfect grades, perfect looks. Even without the support of her parents, even when her husband went missing, she was still so perfect.</em>
</p><p>He looked down at the smiling photo of his sister and nephew, flashing him identical grins.</p><p>It wasn't even <em>him</em> who was suffering. Oikawa thought. Then...then why was he so sad...?</p><p>(A.N I swear that's only 30% of his tragic backstory, things will be less confusing later on, please bear with me )</p><hr/><p>
  <strike> <em>Maybe I don't want to feel like a failure anymore. </em> </strike>
</p><p><strike><em>But that was easier said than done</em></strike>.</p><hr/><p>"You suck," Atsumu popped into the city gym. It was late, but it would be fine since tomorrow was a Saturday.</p><p>"How did you find me ?" Oikawa tilted his head as he slowly rolled down the volleyball net.</p><p>Atsumu scoffed. "Me, trying to find you on purpose ?" He wagged his finger. "Nono, I simply left my favourite kneepad at the gym when I came here this morning."</p><p>"Back when you were trying to find me <em>on purpose</em>." Oikawa smiled lightly. Smoothing out the wrinkles in his shirt. An irritated grunt was his only response.</p><p>"Were you practicing ?" Miya rolled the net back up.</p><p>"The gym is closing you know." </p><p>"Please, I'm gracing this crappy gym with my presence, no one would dare complain."</p><p>Oikawa blinked. "Miya-san ?"</p><p>"Hm ?"</p><p>"...You suck."</p><p>Holy <em>shit</em> why did he say that ?! </p><p>A burst of laughter escaped Miya's lips. </p><p>"Come and receive my serve with your face."</p><p>Oikawa grinned back, for some reason he felt at ease.</p><p>"I'll prefer to do so with my hands."</p><p>Perhaps...just this once...</p><hr/><p>"I didn't take you as the type to be on your phone the entire day," Iwaizumi plucked a leaf out of Oikawa's messy hair. "Pay attention to your surroundings you idiot."</p><p>Oikawa shook his head fervently, "Is that a twig ?" He watched as the small branch smack Iwaizumi's face from the momentum of his head shaking. </p><p>A heavy gust of wind made their eyes hurt.</p><p>"I'm just...reading this novel preview, you don't have to bother walking with me, Iwaizumi-san." </p><p>Iwaizumi huffed but made no move to pull ahead.</p><p>"It's a nice book, " Oikawa pursed his lips. " It has some pretty nice quotes too."</p><p>Iwaizumi leaned over to look. "Let's see, 'There's always a happy ending, if it's not happy, it's not the end.' Wow that is..."</p><p>"That is what ? Iwaizumi-san."</p><p>Depressing, Iwaizumi wanted to say. "That is... wise." He choked out.</p><p> </p><p>"Though, what is the definition of happiness ?" Oikawa hummed thoughtfully. "I heard that the novel has a sad ending."</p><p>"Well maybe despite all that, the characters are happy inside, like a bittersweet ending ?"</p><p>"Perhaps," Oikawa nodded.</p><p> </p><p>Iwaizumi jumped as a new notification popped up in Oikawa's phone.</p><p>Oikawa's eyes widened.</p><p>"What's the matter ?" He nudged the brunette. "Oi."</p><p> </p><p>Just when Iwaizumi thought that Oikawa had received a ransom note of some sort, Oikawa replied.</p><p>"Nothing," Oikawa smiled. "Nothing at all."</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p> </p><p></p><blockquote>
  <p>From: the Lesser Twin</p>
  <p>I better see you at Nationals</p>
  <p> </p>
</blockquote><blockquote>
  <p>From: the Lesser twin</p>
  <p>And for God's sake buy some hair gel</p>
  <p> </p>
  <p> </p>
</blockquote><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>And then Seijoh never made it to the Nationals. ◃┆◉◡◉┆▷</p><p> </p><p>I'll try to update in a more organized schedule</p><p>Sorry for the sloppy chapter. I hope you all have nice day !</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. to smile, to cry, to feel</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>They say that everyone is their own star. That everyone has their own spotlight, but what is the definition of spotlight ? Perhaps everyone does have their own spotlight, but some shine brighter than the others, while some aren't even turned on.</p><hr/><p>Iwaizumi wasn't here today. Oikawa looked around awkwardly, in front of Family Mart. It wasn't verbal, that little arrangement. It seemed like the both of them had just simultaneously decided to walk to school together after meeting up in front of the convenience store, sometime around 6:00 am to 6:05 am. Iwaizumi was always the early one. Oikawa would always find him either tying his shoelaces or drinking a warm glass of soya milk from the store.</p><p>He looked at his watch, 6:09 a.m. Oikawa had been here for four...no wait, five minutes now.</p><p>"Ara ara, Tooru, you're waiting for someone ?" His sister walked up to him, a tiny quirk of her eyelids downwards betrayed her fatigue.</p><p>"I...don't know actually." Oikawa looked helplessly at his sister. </p><p>The woman raised an eyebrow elegantly. But she didn't inquire any further. "If you're not waiting for anyone, I've ordered a taxi to my workplace. Aoba Johsai right ? Your school is on the same path as mine, I'll give you a ride."</p><p>She clasped Oikawa's hands in her own. "Your hands are cold. Did Mother forgot to buy you new gloves ?"</p><p>Oikawa looked at her, confused. He recoiled.</p><p>"Big sis..."</p><p>The brown eyes so similar to his were ablaze, rage ? Wistfulness ?</p><p>His sister blinked. As if reverting to reality.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p></p><blockquote>
  <p>" Smile, as if there's nothing wrong. Because nothing is wrong ! What's there to cry about ? The key to happiness is gratefulness. So smile !"</p>
</blockquote><p>"Say Tooru...how do you stop smiling ?"</p><p> </p><hr/><p>Secretly, he had been hoping that Iwaizumi was sick. Well that came out wrong. Oikawa wrinkled his eyebrows slightly.</p><p>Secretly, he had been hoping that the reason Iwaizumi ditched him was because he was sick. </p><p>Now he just sounded angry. Well perhaps he was a bit. Or was it fear ? He didn't want today to be the end of his tiny, <strike>rekindling,</strike> budding...friendship with Iwaizumi.</p><p>"Bastard !"</p><p>Someone was fighting in front of him. Kyoutani versus some other underclassmen. Well...Kyoutani wasn't losing <strike>that badly</strike> anyways. So should he just ignore them ? Oikawa nodded mentally.</p><p> </p><p>"Oikawa-senpai ?" Someone grabbed his sleeve.</p><p>His heart dropped. "Y-yes ?"</p><p>A familiar face was staring up at him with slightly hopeful eyes. </p><p>"You're Yahaba-san from...class 1-B right ? The youngest student council member this year."</p><p>Yahaba nodded frantically. "The president said that I have to tell the Gang-Culture club to give up their clubroom. But now they're..." He gestured wildly in front of them.</p><p> </p><p>"And what about Kyoutani-"</p><p>"Oh Kyoutani-san. Apparently the Gang-Culture club insulted his hair and now they're fighting before I can even tell them to pack up."</p><p> </p><p>Oikawa let out a strangled sound. Of course Kyoutani will fight someone just to defend his hair's honour.  "Well that was rather anti-climatic."</p><p>"Yeah, it would be more exciting if Kyoutani was fighting to protect my life, while shouting stuff like <em>'For the student council !'</em> While I. the poor rookie sent off to slaughter, despite all hardships managed to tear off the club banner and steal the keys to the clubroom but..."</p><p>The two of them stood together in a brief moment of silence. Before Yahaba suddenly started giggling. "We sounded so <em>stupid</em>." </p><p>Oikawa's lips twitched upwards. "No, that's just you, Yahaba-san."</p><p> </p><p>"Woah woah woah look at what we have here ! " "Audience !" </p><p>A scary looking classmate walked up to him. "Think that we're entertaining ? Oikawa."</p><p>Oikawa blinked. He should run. He thought. But then...</p><p> </p><p> </p><p></p><blockquote>
  <p>"Say Tooru...how do you stop smiling ?"</p>
  <p> </p>
</blockquote><p>Should he really run ? His sister wouldn't run. Why was he feeling so giddy all of a second. There was something...running in his veins. Something begging to be released. His arms twitched.</p><p>"Huh ? Are ya deaf ? I asked-"</p><p>A smile spreaded on his face, and he <em>swung</em>.</p><p>Kyoutani catched it. His expression incredulous. As if he expected Oikawa to just leave him there and run.</p><p>"Don't." Yahaba whispered. "Don't swoop to his level."</p><p>Oikawa gasped. What was he doing ?! What was he thinking...what... Yahaba panicked as hot, painful tears filled Oikawa's eyes.</p><p> </p><p>Iwaizumi walked into sight with another student. Minori-san, Oikawa recalled. Third year. The two of them reacted almost identically to the fight. With a stern gaze demanding authority, and a voice that'll calm even the wildest of seas. The fighting students dispersed within minutes.</p><p>'How useless.' Oikawa thought to himself as he plucked the keys to the clubroom from a tall shelf. 'I could never stop a fight like them.'</p><p>"Here," He handed the keys to Yahaba.</p><p>"I'm not <em>that</em> short that I can't reach the keys myself." The boy sighed.</p><p>Oikawa nodded. "I'm taller than you though. But you can probably reach it if you tiptoe."</p><p>Yahaba looked like he was trying really hard not to commit murder. No idea why.</p><hr/><p>"They look promising." Minori handed him the photographs again. Iwaizumi crossed his arms.</p><p>"Yeah, but among all the graduates, only three are eligible ?" </p><p>"Actually we're not too sure about Kageyama Tobio."</p><p>"Your standards are too high !"</p><p>"You're the one who said that '<em>Kunimi looks like he hasn't slept for months is this ok</em>.'" Minori rebutted.</p><p>"You're retiring this month too, right ? Captain." Iwaizumi sighed.</p><p>"At least I retired later than the other third years. You guys are hopeless."</p><p>"Objection."</p><p>"Declined due to lack of evidence." </p><p>Minori chuckled as he handed over the number one jersey to Iwaizumi. "Don't screw up too bad now...captain."</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Erm...uh thank you very much for the reviews ! I was actually a bit scared that people would say that this story is OOC and perhaps too depressing ? Or offending to the people suffering from depression ? Maybe I should edit the tags abit...uh...haha</p><p>I wanted to type a bit longer for this chapter, but my ipad really isn't letting me type anything, so I can try to challenge 1600-2000 words next chapter ? That is...if that doesn't bore everyone to death haha...have a nice day and once again, thank you.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0007"><h2>7. Listen to the Conductor</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Sometimes, Oikawa liked to think that Iwaizumi's gaze lingered a bit longer on him than your average villager B. </p><p>"So I've typed the first three thousand words for the project already." His spiky-haired classmate walked over, a transparent folder in his hands.</p><p>Strict, almost like a businessman. Oikawa allowed himself to feel the tiniest bit of hurt. </p><p>Hanamaki tried to sneak away, but Matsukawa grinned wickedly and sat the guilty-looking boy in his seat.</p><p>"I've typed four thousand too," Oikawa rumpaged around his locker for a while before holding up his phone. "I didn't bring the papers back today but I saved it in my phone."</p><p>Matsukawa patted Oikawa's shoulder. "Well done my comrade."</p><p> </p><p>"As for me," Matsukawa smiled coyly. Holding up a single piece of paper. </p><p>"Fuck you Mattsun, I didn't think you'd actually succeed." Hanamaki sinked his head into his palms. "For the record though, I am the one who suggested this so I get some credit too."</p><p>"What did the two of you two do ? " Iwaizumi raised an eyebrow, not sure whether or not he should have his expectations up.</p><p>Matsukawa waved the paper in his hand.</p><p> </p><p>"Official notice from the teacher that the project deadline is delayed !" Oikawa read out, slightly mortified. "What have you done to the teacher ?"</p><p>"It is always  'what have you done', 'what did you do', 'what are you doing'...I'm hurt." Matsukawa feigned sorrow. Hanamaki nodded in sympathy. " Can we at least get a 'how are you doing' ?"</p><p>Oikawa blinked. "I-I...I'm sorry...how are you doing ?"</p><p>Matsukawa and Hanamaki bursted into tears.</p><p>"So that's why Teruhashi-sensei avoids the two of you like the plague," Iwaizumi shook his head. He turned to smile sheepishly at Oikawa. As if sharing an inside joke. "Let's ignore those two idiots, shall we ?"</p><p>And the hurt he felt earlier seemed to both decrease and increase at the same time.</p>
<hr/><p>There were people staring at him. Oikawa shivered. They were talking about him, he could sense it.</p><p>He scooted nearer to Hanamaki awkwardly. His pink-haired classmate blinked, surprised.</p><p>Oikawa pressed his hands against his ears, and squeezed his eyes shut. He didn't want to hear it. The criticism, the disappointment.</p><p>Matsukawa jogged into view, dropping the volleyball in his hands once he caught sight of him. Oikawa's breath hitched. 'Is he going to hate me for spending time with his friend ?' 'Of course he is !' 'Well done you screwed up ! ' 'What a failure-'</p><p>Someone patted his head. Warm voices surrounded him, but it was sickening. It felt like a scoop of lukewarm ice-cream, sticky and unpleasant.</p><p>He couldn't hear...or couldn't believe anything other people says. No...he...</p>
<hr/><p>Matsukawa huffed as Oikawa excused himself. "Why is he still so on edge ? Do I have something stuck in my teeth, Makki ?"</p><p>"Nothing but utter brilliance bro."</p><p>The two of them sat together.</p><p>"Why does it feels like he doesn't want to trust us ?" Hanamaki suddenly spoke.</p><p>"I don't know." Matsukawa replied.</p>
<hr/><p> </p>
<p></p><blockquote>
  <p>"I want a friend."</p>
  <p>"I don't want a friend."</p>
  <p>"I don't want to have a friend because I know I can't keep them."</p>
  <p>"I don't want happiness because I know I can't make it last."</p>
  <p>"The pain of losing something, is not something I can take."</p>
  <p>"Loser."</p>
  <p>"Yeah, I know."</p>
</blockquote><hr/><p>The spotlight. Iwaizumi was always, always in the spotlight.</p><p>Oikawa opened his phone.</p><p> </p>
<p></p><blockquote>
  <p>
    <em>@Iwaizumi.H accepted your request</em>
  </p>
  <p>
    <em>@Iwaizumi.H wants to follow back</em>
  </p>
</blockquote><p>Oikawa looked at his pictures. He didn't post any, so he turned and looked at the tagged posts. A selfie Takeru secretly took with Oikawa's face conveniently in it.  A picture of him and his sister celebrating her university graduation, posted by his sister.</p><p> </p>
<p></p><blockquote>
  <p>
    <em>@Tooru</em>
  </p>
  <p>
    <em>40 followers      42 following</em>
  </p>
</blockquote><p>He looked at Iwaizumi profile. It was filled with pictures with his family, his team, his classmates. Look, there was one with him in it ! Oikawa's mind went haywire.</p><p> </p>
<p></p><blockquote>
  <p>
    <em>'Met an awesome setter today. You guys should've seen the practice match.'</em>
  </p>
  <p>
    <em>24 comments</em>
  </p>
</blockquote><p> </p><p>"Oya oya, isn't that Hajime-chan ?" His sister peeped from his shoulder.</p><p>"You remember him too ?" Oikawa choked out.</p><p>"Of course I do ! He was such a good kid back then !" His sister put a finger on her chin, remincrising.</p><p> </p><p>An aching hole. His heart...actually hurts. It hurts...physically. </p><p> </p><p>"Tooru ?"</p><p>"Onii-chan...let's go shopping."</p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>His entire body aches. But it was satisfying, really satisfying.</p><p>The ball went up in a perfect toss, and his palm struck it. </p><p>The redness burns, itchy and funny. </p><p> </p><p>Oikawa smiled at the ball. A slam resonated behind him.</p><p>"...?"</p><p>It had been like this for about a week now. Oikawa bit his lip. That black haired kid from Kitagawa Daiichi.</p><p>The kid that learned how to serve by himself. Oikawa watched, out of breath from his own intensive training. The black haired boy turned to look at him with sharp blue eyes and nodded at Oikawa as if greeting him.</p><p>It felt like something had slapped him across his face. He saw his serve. Not the black haired boy's serve. The black haired boy was doing his, Oikawa Tooru's serve. An imitation to good to be called an imitation.</p><p> </p><p>Oikawa didn't realise that he had left the gym until a car nearly ran over him, car horn jerking him back into reality.</p>
<hr/><p>"I don't want to lose to that kid." That was what Oikawa said when he utterly destroyed Kyoutani with a tsunami of serves.</p><p>"The fuck you can still move-"</p><p>Kyoutani was cut off by another serve.</p><p>"Out !"</p><p>"In." Oikawa smiled.</p>
<hr/><p>"The largest constellation by area is Hydra which is 3.16 percent of the sky. The smallest is Crux which only takes up 0.17 percent of the sky." He recited. "The Big and Little Dipper are considered asterisms. This is when a small pattern of stars is found within a constellation."</p><p>"You have such excellent memory, Tooru." His mother commented offhandedly.</p><p>"Onii-chan is better."</p><p>"Tooru, we've gone over this." Her tone was sour.</p><p>"I know, I remember."</p>
<hr/><p>If there was one thing every single fiber of him agreed on, was that Iwaizumi Hajime can be trusted.</p><p>Oikawa wanted so desperately so sit with 'Iwa-chan' at lunch, to talk about aliens and catch insects with him. But he was nothing but a mere childhood acquaintance.</p><p>Iwa-chan was the brightest star in Oikawa's memories. </p><p>Iwaizumi Hajime. 'Iwa-chan' had built a life without Oikawa. Did Iwaizumi even remember him ? Oikawa wondered.</p><p>Because he had so little friends growing up, every single relationship was cherished and remembered by him forever. What about Iwaizumi ? Had he forgotten already ? </p><p>But even his sister remembered 'Iwa-chan'.</p><p>Then again some people just have good memory.</p>
<hr/><p>"Please let me join !" </p><p>Nothing beats throwing the doors open while shouting 'LET ME JOOOOIN' to the second best team in the prefecture. If there was another thing every single fiber of him agreed on, was that 'Oikawa needs to work on better entrances'.</p><p>"Oh there are still kouhais from Kitagawa Daiichi ? Welcome to Seijoh where- Oikawa Tooru ?!" Irihata's voice cracked. " Did you just say you wanted to join ?"</p><p>"Hai !" He bowed, ninety degrees.</p><p> </p><p>Coach Mizoguchi ran up. "Perfect timing ! We need two setters in order to have the entrance test-match for the Kitagawa Daiichi third-years !"</p><p>"Kageyama is not available ?" Irihata quirked an eyebrow.</p><p>"He said he wanted to go to Shiratorizawa."</p><p>Oikawa frowned at the school's name.</p><p> </p><p>"Is it alright with you ? Oikawa. I know it is hard to sync with players you've just met." Irihata gestured to two middle school players. </p><p>The one with an onion head looked at him warily. Oikawa caught the word 'dictator'.</p><p> </p><p>Oikawa didn't know if that's alright. He didn't know if he was going to be fine. For all he knew he could be dooming Onion Head and Sleepy Eyes with his horrible sets. But-</p><p>"How-"</p><p>Onion Head's eyes widened. "Kunimi did you see that ?!"</p><p>"Nice kill Kindaichi." Sleepy Eyes, or Kunimi studied Oikawa.</p><p>Kindaichi blinked. "That toss..."</p><p> </p><p>Across the net, Yahaba shivered. In a voice only loud enough for the players on court to hear. He stared straight at Oikawa. "They're listening." Kunimi feinted a spike, Iwaizumi received it. Hanamaki leaped up to connect the ball, and the ball went over as a chance ball to Oikawa. Kindaichi jumped, slower than usual, slower that what Kageyama used to ask for. He paled.</p><p>Oikawa sent the ball to Kunimi. They scored. Yahaba's face scrunched up, "They're listening." "They're listening to the conductor." "They're completely different from their old selves now."</p><p> </p><p>'I know I am not a genius. I am not the smartest, the prettiest, but I can always try my hardest.' 'I don't know if this is alright, but I did my best. You cannot blame me if I did everything I can, can't you ?"</p>
<hr/><p>"Kunimi Akira, Kindaichi Yuutarou, Oikawa Tooru, welcome to the volleyball team !"</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0008"><h2>8. Don't Leave Me, Alone and Crying in the Snow</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Apparently, Sendai snows.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>"Do you want a biscuit ?"</p><p>Oikawa looked up, eyes wide and confused. </p><p>The boy in front of him laugh prettily. "It was Thanksgiving a few days ago, I made too much biscuits for my kouhais, and you looked like you're in some dire need of <em>sugar.</em>" His eyes twinkled with mischief at the last word, an inside joke perhaps ?</p><p>Oikawa looked at the sugar cookies handed out to him. The icing was a pretty mix of blue and orange, they were complimentary colours, he recalled. "Thank you." </p><p>"Try it ! " The boy looked at him with expectant eyes.</p><p>
  <em>'He must've spent a lot of time making these.'</em>
</p><p>He took a small bite, hesitantly. Then a larger one, the icing melting inside his mouth. Before he realised, he had finished the entire biscuit, and the boy was looking at him with an incomprehensible look on his face.</p><p>"It's really good." Oikawa said. "A-are you ok ? Cookie-san ?"</p><p>"It's Sugawara, Sugawara Koushi." Sugawara stood up a bit straighter. "You're smiling. You should smile more, it's pretty.'</p><p>
  <em>Pretty...?</em>
</p><p>Oikawa's lips twitched up in some foreign action he was unfamiliar to, but he didn't stop it.</p>
<hr/><p>"You're smiling." That was the first thing Kunimi said to him.</p><p>"Yeah...I am." </p><p>Kunimi looked at him oddly.</p><p>"Congratulations on winning your first round." Oikawa said, albeit awkwardly. </p><p>"It's only expected, aside from that orange kid there's no one exceptional on that other team." Kindaichi ran up to him. "I don't want to play in Kitagawa Daiichi anymore though, Oikawa-senpai."</p><p>Oikawa tilted his head, "But your team is strong ?"</p><p>There was a pregnant pause between them.</p><p>"Since we're already accepted into Aoba Johsai..." Kunimi looked around, Kindaichi nodded. "We're overthrowing the King of the Court, soon."</p><p>Oikawa didn't have the heart to tell the two of them, eyes so fierce with determination and anger that he didn't understand a word they're saying.</p>
<hr/><p>"i just wanted to ask, if you are alright ?" Coach Mizoguchi grabbed him by the arm.</p><p>"What do you mean, sensei ?" </p><p>"I've never been assigned to teach you before, so I never get to ask you." The coach studied Oikawa's expressions intently. " I just want you to know that even though I'm just your volleyball assistant coach, I'm still your teacher, you can talk to me anytime if there's anything wrong, ok? "</p><p>"I-I..."</p><p>'Alright' If he was alright.</p><p>
  <em>Wait, what was I even upset over ? I have a volleyball team now. I need to beat Ushiwaka so I can insult Miya's hair again at the Nationals. I have two adorable kouhais who love my sets. Even my coach is supportive. How am I so dumb to focus solely on the bad things in my life ?</em>
</p><p>Oikawa grinned, his eyes forming tiny crescents with tears, sweet and warm streaming down his cheeks as he replied. "I'm feeling alot better now, thank you."</p><p>Happiness, he decided, was the most wonderful thing he had ever experienced.</p>
<hr/><p>
  <em>With a jump, I grab onto the light.</em>
</p>
<hr/><p>"I'm exhausted, Ushiwaka-chan."</p><p>"That I can see." </p><p>The two of them sat quietly, watching Takeru attempting a jump serve, only to hit air.</p><p>"I want to beat you."</p><p>"I hope you mean by volleyball."</p><p>"I'm not that violent... Thanks for getting my life back on track."</p><p>
  <em>I have a goal now.</em>
</p><p> </p><p>Ushijima nodded, "I still think you should come to Shiratorizawa."</p><p>Oikawa blinked, then crossed his arms and pouted. "Nope."</p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>"I cleaned my room !" Oikawa said, first thing his sister returned home. </p><p>She stared, slightly taken aback. "Good...for you?"</p><p>"Good for me." The brunette sighed, albeit happily. </p><p> </p><p>His brown eyes were shining, dimly. But still shining, in the cold, dark room the pair of siblings was in. Once cold, but now...</p><p> </p><p>The older Oikawa studied her brother carefully, "Get in my room."</p><p>"Huh ?"</p><p>"I'm going to introduce your hair to a comb."</p><p>"Nooo- not that torture machine-" </p><p>His sister grinned manically, and Oikawa felt himself giggle.</p><p>"Wah ! Seriously not the comb pleasee !"</p>
<hr/><p>"Iwa-chan ? No he hasn't walked to school with me for days now."</p><p>"Iwaizumi Hajime, how dare that man-" Hanamaki's voice was low with mock menace.</p><p>Oikawa stifled a small laugh, "It's fine, Iwa-chan seems busy nowadays."</p><p>Hanamaki and Matsukawa exchanged a gaze - <em>Iwa-chan ?</em></p><p> </p><p>"You know man, you're so uncool sometimes." Matsukawa started, hand over his heart as if he had been fatally wounded.</p><p>Oikawa's eyes flashed with a brief moment of panic, before he stomped it down hastily. "And why would that be?"</p><p> </p><p>Hanamaki waltzed in, hand pressed on his own forehead, while looking like he was in a Shakespeare's tragedy. "You only give Iwaizumi cute nicknames, what about us ? Don't tell me you've forgotten about poor, insignificant us you <em>traitor</em>-"</p><p>Hanamaki said that last word with such passion, that he almost thought Oikawa would cry. "Wait shit-"</p><p>Oikawa was shaking.</p><p>"Shit did you make him cry ?" Matsukawa looked at Hanamaki, who seemed to be short circuiting. "I don't know ?!"</p><p>"Hff...Pff..."</p><p> </p><p>"N-no I'm fine Mattsun."</p><p> </p><p>Someone was laughing.</p><p> </p><p>Hanamaki felt himself grin at the sight in front of him. While Matsukawa stood, dumbstruck. </p><p>Oikawa Tooru was full-blown laughing. It was...awesome.</p><p>The three of them stood, laughing and giggling. </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p> </p>
<p></p><blockquote><p>
    <em>Lips twitching - Smile- Grin - Giggle - Laugh</em>
  </p><p>
    <em>Such a long and intricate process.</em>
  </p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>
    <em>He was running, running to a place, a safe haven that does not exist. Why was he running ? </em>
  </p><p>
    <em>Something was going to catch up.</em>
  </p><p>
    <em>Something</em>
  </p><p>
    <em>Something</em>
  </p></blockquote><p> </p>
<hr/><p>He was walking into his classroom, when he saw the buckets of water, and the teachers scolding his classmates.</p><p>Carefully, he stole a quick look inside, before the teachers saw him and ushered him away.</p><p>His desk, his normally tidy and organized desk, was covered in ink scribbles. Markers, paint, does that even matter ?</p><p>'Loser'</p><p>'Trash'</p><p>'Failure'</p><p>He didn't need to see them to know what they say. It was...a monthly tradition of sorts. He had hoped that his classmates would make an exception this month.</p><p>Oh who was he kidding.</p><p>He ran into the washroom, ignoring the weird <strike>disgusted</strike> glances people sent his way. </p><p>His reaction usually wasn't  that bad.</p><p>He didn't use to care.</p><p>Let them say whatever they want.</p><p>
  <em>Since when...did their words start to matter ?</em>
</p><p>His lips were trembling hysterically.</p><p>Stop with the self pity.</p><p>It's fine.</p><p>It's fine.</p><p>Everything's fine.</p>
<hr/><p>"They made it to the quarterfinals ! Those jerks." Yahaba huffed, annoyance arked into every feature of his face.</p><p>"Shiratorizawa ?" Oikawa asked hesitantly.</p><p>"Look at the footage ! What even is this ! " One of the bench members shouted.</p><p> </p><p>Oikawa turned just in time to see Ushijima Wakatoshi's 75 mph serve, Watari winced at the sight. Sakusa Kiyoomi received it perfectly.</p><p>
  <em>And he wasn't even the libero. </em>
</p><p>Oikawa's hand went slack. Could he do that ? </p><p> </p><p>"Doesn't matter. We're still going to beat them. We're going to the Nationals remember ?" Iwaizumi, their new captain clapped his hands together firmly.</p><p> </p><p>'How can I beat...that ?,' Oikawa wanted to shout. 'The nationals are out of my league...aren't they ? What was I thinking, that I've seen Ushijima at his best during a mere practice match ? How can I receive his serve like Itachiyama ? I'm just...me.'</p><p>But Sakusa Kiyoomi and Ushijima Wakatoshi were both high schoolers, they weren't another species, they weren't gods. So perhaps it was partly Oikawa's fault that he can't keep up.</p><p> </p><p>"We've got Oikawa-senpai now ! Everything's going to be fine." Yahaba was reassuring Watari.</p><p> </p><p>Fine....fine?</p><p>'Nothing is going to be fine.'</p><p> </p><p>'Please don't rest your hopes on me.'</p><p>'I can't-'</p><p>'Your crestfallen faces when I cannot lead you to victory.'</p><p>'Stop.'</p><p>'Stop'</p><p> </p><p>"Stop." He said it out loud. The room went quiet.</p><p>"Stop...what ?" Iwaizumi asked, confused.</p><p> </p><p>Coach Mizoguchi looked at him worriedly, and Oikawa felt his breath quickening.</p><p> </p><p>"I..."</p><p> </p><p>Oikawa stormed out of the room, leaving his team...<em>the</em> team...behind.</p><p>
  <em>What was I thinking ?'</em>
</p>
<hr/><p>
  <em>Three is the charm</em>
</p>
<hr/><p>Was he seriously self-conceited enough that he thought Yahaba meant that, with Oikawa here Aoba Johsai could win ? </p><p>Did he, for a moment thought that the volleyball team was resting their hopes on him ?</p><p>He was seriously going insane.</p><p> </p><p>He walked home, cold and alone.</p><p> </p><p>"The National Mock Exam results ?" His father was asking.</p><p>"90%" His mother answered for him.</p><p>"Are you satisfied ? Tooru."</p><p>"I...think so, Father."</p><p>"You got 10% of the questions wrong."</p><p>"Yes I did, Father."</p><p>"We're not blaming you Tooru, but 10% , 10%." His mother shook her head, looking both tired and disappointed.</p><p>"After we spent so much money for your education, Tooru."</p><p>"Your father worked very hard to earn money for our livings. "</p><p>"I understand."</p><p>"We're encouraging you, Tooru."</p><p>"I understand."</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>He walked into his room, numb and crying. But it's fine. It's fine. He didn't feel sad, he didn't feel mad.</p><p>He didn't feel indignant, he didn't feel sorry.</p><p> </p><p>It was snowing outside, the cold was supposed to be scalding.</p><p> </p><p>He wiped off the last of his tears, and he felt nothing.</p>
<hr/><p> </p>
<p></p><blockquote>
  <p>
    <em>Welcome back, a hollow voice said. It was a nice try.</em>
  </p>
  <p>
    <em>He stared at the ceiling, heart empty.</em>
  </p>
  <p>
    <em>Yes, a nice try.</em>
  </p>
</blockquote><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>The thing about happiness is that, it sucks when you lose it later on.</p><p>-<br/>Thank you for reading ! This chapter was a bit hasty because I typed the last two sections last month, but then typed the first half two days ago. Happy late thanksgiving haha. I kind of missed everyone here.</p><p>WHY WON'T AO3 LET ME PUBLISH IT TODAY, TODAY IS NOT THE FUTURE DAMMIT LET ME PUBLISH MY CHAPTER IN PEACE-</p><p>oh now it's working</p><p>-</p><p>The day is now, the 7th of December 2020, one week after I published chapter 8. I am a mad genius because I've just thought of the perfect way to end this story. But I have no idea whether it's a good ending or not, people are probably going to be so mad at me for finding that loophole. Though I believe I did once mention that 'I take sadistic joy in making my readers suffer' so...sit tight, I'm so full of motivation now-</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0009"><h2>9. Downgrades and Jealousy - Ugliness</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Warning - timeskip</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>He didn't need emotions to set well. He just needed his observations. How easy it was to just twist his face into a smile in order to fool everyone ?</p>
<hr/><p>
  <em>It was a nice try.</em>
</p><p>The voices cackled, and honestly Oikawa agreed.</p><p>He brushed his hair with careful strokes, and smiled prettily at the school security guard. By now Oikawa was sure that he didn't deserve the happiness portrayed so beautifully in books and dramas. However, he <em>could</em> try to live less miserably.</p><p>'Cute' nicknames and 'flirty' smiles. Apparently those were enough to stop his classmates' mysterious hatred towards him. </p><p>Oikawa stared at his shoes, eyes still curved from a playful banter with one of his 'fangirls', but chest so cold that it felt like he was going to die.</p>
<hr/><p>
  <em>Timeskip - 3rd year Oikawa Tooru</em>
</p>
<hr/><p>"Gather round !" </p><p>Oikawa threw the ball his was setting directly at Kyoutani's face and jogged over to Coach Irihata. "Yes ?"</p><p>"We'll be participating in the Inter-High Preliminaries next month, I'm sure you're all aware of this arrangement ?"</p><p>Oikawa laughed sheepishly as everyone except him nodded.</p><p>"Dammit vice-captain do more research !" Hanamaki said jokingly, and Oikawa kept his face locked in a perfect smile.</p><p>Irihata massaged his temples, as if saying '<em>What to do with an idiot who didn't even know when the Inter-High is ?'</em></p><p>Oikawa stuck his tongue out, Iwaizumi sighed.</p><p> </p><p>"Anyways, we can expect to see Ushiwaka in the finals. The problem here is, can <em>we</em> make it to the finals ?"</p><p>Oikawa blinked. "I thought we are awesome !"</p><p>"We are about as good as Dateko or Johzenji nowadays. Our seniors the last two years are valuable assets that I'm not sure we can afford to lose." Iwaizumi paused. " Also, we don't have an ace up our sleeves."</p><p>"Iwa-chan you <em>are </em>the ace." Oikawa said, confused.</p><p>"Ace as in, the best player we can all rely on." Iwaizumi stared at the '4' on Oikawa's vest. "We don't have one."</p><p>Kunimi sloped onto the ground, tired of all the 'best player' and 'reliance' talk.</p><p>Oikawa's knees hurt.</p>
<hr/><p>"We're facing Karasuno first !" Yahaba shouted as he leaped into the gym.</p><p>"What's a Karasuno ?" Watari frowned, and Kindaichi crossed his arms.</p><p>Oikawa paused to gulp down some water. "Kunimi-chan is looking especially murderous today. Is he fine?"</p><p>Kunimi glared at him, Oikawa flashed him a cheeky smile.</p><p>"We just have to win then !"</p>
<hr/><p>The night before the Inter-High, Oikawa texted Miya, the latter making him promise to make the Nationals. He checked up the previous results of Aoba Johsai, and was surprised and <strike>oddly proud</strike> when he saw that they were seeded.</p><p>He stretched before he went to bed, his mother telling him come home as soon as the tournament ended, that she wanted to see him revise. Oikawa made two promises that night, he couldn't keep them both.</p>
<hr/><p>Everything was going wrong. So wrong.</p><p>They lose one set in order to get used to the quick attack. Then barely won the next set only because one of the Karasuno first years, the jump floater made an error.</p><p>"That first year setter is a genius." </p><p>Oikawa gritted his teeth. Of course he knew that. Of course he did. The boy with electric blue eyes, the boy who copied his serve, who had the nerve to <em>smile</em> at him. His ears were ringing with a mixture of rage and self-loathing, and when he leapt up to set the ball to Iwaizumi he-</p><p>Kindaichi and Kunimi froze, aghast.</p><p>He missed.</p><p>Was it Oikawa's fault, or was it Iwaizumi's ? Of course it was Oikawa's . They lost this match because their setter was not good enough. They lost.</p><p>The ringing- no, roaring anger in Oikawa's ears were overwhelming. As Karasuno celebrated across the net.</p><p>Hanamaki choked on air, as if he was trying to hold back the wave of tears that might just break the very last string of steel the team was trying to preserve.</p>
<hr/><p>"Oikawa-san !!" </p><p>Someone blocked his way before he got to exit the court. It was the first year setter.</p><p>Oikawa couldn't hide his grimace. "How...may I help you?"</p><p>"Teach me your serve !" The first year bowed. "Please !"</p><p>"Y-your team has already left, you should go back and prepare for your next match. Dateko right ?"</p><p>Kageyama Tobio frowned. "If I can learn your serve I am more than prepared."</p><p>"Please teach me your serve."</p><p>"I-I..." <em>I don't want to. But why ? Since when do I care. Since-</em></p><p>"Teach me."</p><p>It wasn't intentional. The words 'genius' flashed irritatingly in his mind. Combined with his loss and fatigue, his <strike>jealousy.</strike></p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p>
<p></p><blockquote>
  <p>'Jealous. I'm so jealous. I'm oh so jealous.</p>
  <p>The ugly yellow camellias of envy had taken over my heart, and I did not know when I stood up so menacingly, teeth bared like a dangerous beast.'</p>
  <p> </p>
</blockquote><p>"What are you doing !" </p><p>Oikawa slammed into the floor. An absolutely vivid face looming over him.</p><p>"Iwaiz-...Iwa-chan." Oikawa's heart sunk.</p><p> </p><p>"Iwaizumi-senpai." Kageyama greeted politely. </p><p>"You've improved a lot, Kageyama." Iwaizumi nodded back.</p><p>
  <em>What have I done.</em>
</p><p>None of them noticed the defeated figure walking away.</p>
<hr/><p>"That was a good game." That was all Ushijima said to him.</p><p>There was no 'You should've come to Shiratorizawa.'</p><p>Oikawa wasn't good enough to go to Shiratorizawa afterall.</p>
<hr/><p>"You were going to hit him, or kick him, aren't you ?" Iwaizumi glared.</p><p>"What ? I'm not." </p><p>"Kageyama is my kouhai, he is an annoying kid, but you don't just go hitting people just because they're better than you-"</p><p>"Iwaizumi ! " Matsukawa hissed. He frowned when Hanamaki dragged him out of the room, motioning for Iwaizumi to continue but not without a warning glance. <em>'Don't be so harsh on him you damned human being.'</em></p><p>Iwaizumi took a deep breath. "I'm not a fan of violence, Oikawa. You-"</p><p>"Am I really such a horrible person ?" Oikawa asked. "In others' point of view, am I really such a monster ?"</p><p>"This is not the time for self pity, Oikawa. You-"</p>
<p></p><div class="gmail_default">
  <p>"I-It's almost like you're toying with me." </p>
</div><div class="gmail_default">
  <p>His voice was softer than air. Iwaizumi's eyes widened.</p>
</div><div class="gmail_default">
  <p>Oikawa rubbed his forehead tiredly. "I don't have to push to feel anything with you."</p>
</div><div class="gmail_default">
  <p>"What do you mean ?"</p>
</div><div class="gmail_default">
  <p>"I don't have to force myself to smile around you. To want to be with you. That's why-" Something shattered between them, silent but painful. "Nevermind."</p>
</div><div class="gmail_default">
  <p>"Next time, just tell me you hate me. Ok ?"</p>
</div><div class="gmail_default">
  <p> </p>
</div><div class="gmail_default">
  <p>Oikawa let his gaze linger on his ace - Seijoh's ace and gasped painfully when he felt his eyes moisten.</p>
  <p>He left the room with quiet flourish, and Iwaizumi wondered if it was possible that the brunette's tears were silver, as his face glistened under the moonlight. He raised an arm to stop him from leaving, but some part of himself closed up his throat. </p>
</div><div class="gmail_default">
  <p>
    <em>'Stay.'</em>
  </p>
</div><div class="gmail_default">
  <p>If only Oikawa turned to look at him for one last time, he could've seen the outstretched arm.</p>
</div><div class="gmail_default">
  <p>He never looked back.</p>
</div><div class="gmail_default">
  <p> </p>
</div><div class="gmail_default"><hr/><p>Oikawa went home later than his mother had ordered him to. </p><p>He looked into the mirror, and for the first time in his life, he decided that he was hideous.</p>
<hr/></div><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>'THE CROWS ARE BACK AT TOKYO'</p><p>Ushijima's defeat did not make Oikawa's any sweeter. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>A.N Erm...sorry for the very, I think strained is the word, chapter. Thank you for all your reviews, we'll be finishing this story soon. I'm still debating between a happy ending, or a sad ending. </p><p>Also - the 'camellias of envy' is based of the flower language, yellow camellias basically means envy.</p><p>Me suddenly feeling poetic = weird af chapter </p><p>I should stick back to writing external crises.</p><p>Thanks for reading (๑•̀ᄇ•́)و ✧</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0010"><h2>10. I will and I shall.</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span class="u">Chapter 10 - I will and I shall</span><br/>
<span class="u">Take Two </span>
</p><p>The second years had ambushed them. They were circling them, locking them in right before the staircase - the only exit from the third years' floor at the school.</p><p>"There's still the Spring Tournament. It is not over yet !" Yahaba was shouting.</p><p>Matsukawa blanched, shocked. "This is not how you should be speaking to your upperclassme-"</p><p>"It's NOT OVER YET <strong>YOU GODDAMN THIRD YEARS !</strong>"</p><p> </p><p>The corridor went silent. Someone dropped their textbooks, as the entirety of the Aoba Johsai third year section were treated to the once in a while <em>'Sagas of the Volleyball team - episode hopefully the last'.</em></p><p>Oikawa thought he heard Iwaizumi laugh into his palm.</p><p>Hanamaki's voice was teasing."Nowww I can see why Kyoutani likes you. You really are wild sometimes." </p><p> </p><p>"Wait Kyoutani <em>what</em> ?" Yahaba tilted his head in a obliviously cute way. "Well he better !" </p><p>Kyoutani raised an eyebrow.</p><p>Watari coughed awkwardly. "Back to the topic, back to the topic."</p><p>"Ah...erm yes." Yahaba shut his eyes tightly and clasped his hands together. "Please...please don't retire." </p><p>"Well I'm not retiring !" Hanamaki said, looking at Matsukawa. "Mattsun, if you retire I'm going to tell everyone that you're the one who farted in front of Karasuno."</p><p>"<em>What</em> ?!" "I didn't !"</p><p>"Plus," Matsukawa smiled, "I'm frankly insulted that you think I'm going to retire. I still haven't carry out prank number sixty-two."</p><p>"Sixty-two is awesome ! But I think you should do prank number seventy-one first." </p><p> </p><p>"No one," Iwaizumi muttered from behind, "Is pranking anyone."</p><p>"Also, I'm not retiring." He added as an afterthought. </p><p> </p><p>Boo, anticlimactic. Their audience sweatdropped.</p><p> </p><p>Watari's beamed happily. Turning finally to Oikawa. Who paled.</p><p>"Oikawa-senpai, please ?" Kunimi and Kindaichi suddenly appeared. "Stay."</p><p>"I'll spike harder next time. Jump higher, run faster."</p><p>"<em>So please - stay</em>."</p><p> </p><p>"Let's not pressure him." Iwaizumi suddenly spoke, Oikawa frowned.</p><p>"You don't need to baby me. I'm not that..." <em>Fragile</em></p><p>That came out harsher than expected.</p><p>"They're fighting somehow." Matsukawa whispered loudly to the rest of the team. Kyoutani let out a surprised 'huh'.</p><p> </p><p>"I'll stay." Oikawa said. "I'll stay. I'll work on my serve. I'll find the best way to set the ball to every single one of you."</p><p> "We'll go to the Nationals at the Spring Tournament. We will..." He paused, how to end this well...</p><p> </p><p>"Because I believe in you all."</p><p> </p><p>The corridor erupted into cheers, as people started to clap and prefects shouting their throats out to keep everything in order. Oikawa saw Iwaizumi pushing pass hordes of students, most likely wanting to talk to him. The brunette sighed, and left as fast as he could.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>I believe in you all.</em>
</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p>"A training camp ? I mean...I would be honoured. But is this really ok ?" Oikawa said, slightly wary.</p><p>"We host camps with schools that never made it to the Nationals in our prefecture too," Atsumu said over the phone. "You're kind of famous you know."</p><p>Oikawa laughed. "What ?"</p><p> </p><p>"During the summer Youth Training camp, Ushijima mentioned you to almost every setter he came across." </p><p>"I thought he was disappointed in me."</p><p>"Well apparently the disappointment wore off." Atsumu replied, "I was pretty skeptical when I heard you lose in the first round. But didn't we all lose to Karasuno anyways?" </p><p>"Then during the Inter-High, Tobio-kun had the nerve to compare you with me. Saying that I am you with a more horrible personality !" </p><p>Oikawa snorted.</p><p>"I can hear you !"</p><p>"Well, Atsu-chan, you are a better setter than me, but I'm glad that Kageyama thinks so highly of me."</p><p>"Don't call me Atsu-chan !" Came an unholy screech.</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p>Iwaizumi grabbed him by the wrist, after weeks of Oikawa practically dancing away from him.</p><p>"I'm making you captain. Give me your shirt."</p><p>"I-I beg your pardon ?"</p><p>Iwaizumi took a sharp breath, and his demeanor was hasty. "I'm sorry."</p><p>"You'll make a better captain than me." He said.</p><p>Oikawa pursed his lips. "Ok."</p><p>Iwaizumi looked up, startled.</p><p>"I'll be captain until you get yourself sorted out."</p><p> </p><p>Iwaizumi laughed lightly. "Seems like I have to stay miserable until I graduate."</p><p> </p><p>"I didn't mean it like that. It's all for the good of the team."</p><p> </p><p>"...yeah, for the team."</p>
<hr/><p>Kunimi eventually reported that Kageyama was invited to a Winter Japanese Youth Training Camp. The same camp Ushijima and Miya went. Oikawa refused to feel jealous anymore. He was too busy organizing practice matches with half of Miyagi's teams. Preparing themselves for the training camp in Hyogo.</p>
<hr/><p>The Hyogo teams were formidable. But the blocks from Dateko were top notch. The craziness from Johzenji unparalleled. The steady flow of Wakunan that brings despair among their opponents granted them some sort of immunity.</p><p>Kakugawa's Hyakuzawa was far taller than even the blockers from Hyogo, and Ohgiminami and Tokonami's determination, even though they were far from being a strong team kept them all motivated.</p><p>The real challenge was Inarizaki.</p>
<hr/><p>It was the Spring Tournament Preliminaries now. They had to fight their way up from the bottom, no longer seeded. Oikawa just smiled his usual smile, fake but pretty.</p><p>
  <em>"I believe in you all."</em>
</p><p>They were a castle. A battalion filled with hand-picked knights. And with their new commander, they'll tore through whatever it takes to satisfy him. The Grand King, that was what even Karasuno referred to him as.</p><p>They will win, no matter what.</p>
<hr/><p> </p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Do you guys remember a few chapters back, I wrote Oikawa wanting to break up a fight ? And there was this OC that I kind of didn't like. So I changed him to Yahaba. Just thought it was more fitting, and I highly recommend you to read that chapter again because it was way different experience with Yahaba in it instead.</p><p>It is chapter six.</p><p>--</p><p>Also, just in case you guys are confused. There are two Nationals per year - the Inter-High and the Spring Tournament.  When the story first started, Oikawa was a second year and Seijoh just lose the preliminaries for the second Nationals. And after the timeskip I introduced last chapter, Oikawa is now a third year, and Karasuno just won the first National Preliminaries and they beat Dateko, then Seijoh, then Shiratorizawa then Inarizaki and all that blah blah. </p><p>The summer camp Atsumu mentioned would be the during the timeskip when Oikawa went from a second year to a third year. Because I headcanoned that there would be camps during the winter and summer because that was the case for my youth music camp idk-</p>
        </blockquote><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Reviews are like...my fuel for writing stuff. They are always appreciated !</p></blockquote></div></div>
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